Blokes, Men, Chaps, Boys, Dudes, Hermaphrodites of the world; listen up.
I hereby declare that we devise a list of hard and fast urinal etiquette guidelines in order to make this most awkward of situations; just that little bit more bearable.
Here are mine, feel free to add or amend as you see fit:
1) Under no circumstances, if you are the only one using the urinals should you go for the middle one, go for the sides, that way when I come in to use them I don’t have to stand shoulder to shoulder with you whilst we get through this. This rule is only to be broken when both sides are taken up and there is no free cubicle. Which leads me to….
2) Eye’s front at all times, don’t look around stare straight at the wall. Because I for one cannot sluice freely with a stranger a) trying to make eye contact with me as a precursor to awkward conversation (more on this later) or b) assessing my penis. I know this occasionally happens by mistake but you must focus, as Aristotle said:
“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”
Eyes forward, you may briefly look down when finished to ensure you don’t do yourself a mischief, but that is all.
3) No talking, there is absolutely nothing I want to discuss with a man with his cock out or for that matter whilst I have mine out. Pee Time is Me Time, remember that and we’ll be ok.
4) If you need to grunt in order to get urine out your bladder and down your penis, you’ve likely got kidney stones or something, seek medical advice.
5) My ablutions do not require any background music, so kindly refrain from whistling. This is quite annoying at the best of times; but in this context it is downright unnerving.
6) Absolutely no guffing at the pots, and if you have to do it. Please do not comment on either it’s pungency or amplitude; doing so (contrary to your belief) does not make it acceptable. You will also not punctuate your botty burp with a “humourous” bookend statement. i.e. ‘Arsenal’, ‘Pardon’, ‘Fire One’, ‘I’ll name that tune in one’.
Don’t say anything, finish your piss in embarassed silence and fuck off.
Right those are mine, as I say add/amend as you see fit; and together we can make this (minute aspect of the) world a better place to piss in.
(This rant originally appeared on Tales of Misanthropia)